I’m glad to be back! I don’t know if this would be just the beginning of a new and a better life opening up the whole me to the public. One thing I’m only sure, I’m back and I’m just getting better. And one of the reasons why I think I should be writing again is to keep inspiring those people who claim to have been inspired of me through my writings and through my personal messages to them. I didn’t know that there are many who have been following me from the very first time I wrote about my life. To hear that they pick something good from my writings is overwhelming. Thank you…
Since this will be my first blog for this year, I’m gonna note it here that this is the first time I open my account after months of facing thunderstorms. It’s been very hard for me to have contact with anyone when my physical, emotional, and mental conditions have been so unstable. In fact, I found it hard sitting infront of the computer. At this moment, I feel just so fine, if not for the frequent attacks of vertigo.
Are you ready for my big revelation? Well, I’m now ready to uncover myself. Actually, I’ve started sending mails to at least 20-30 friends just a day ago. I just had the feeling that I needed to let my family and friends know about the real me behind the Joyris they have known in 29 years. I have even sent long SMS to my parents, brothers and sister in the Philippines.
Do you know the feeling when you no longer like the personality you have become? When you’ve been hating your own self for what you are? It’s how it all started.
For the last couple of months, I’ve had difficulties dealing with my eldest son who’s just been reunited with me together with his younger brother. We get support from the professionals giving us orientations in dealing with a traumatized child (who might as well have an ADHD. We’ll get to know this after a long-procedure investigation.). Situations at home have been extreme and sometimes I no longer know how to react. Sometimes I get so insensitive and sometimes I overreact. I feel terrified by how my body reacts to different circumstances.
I’ve been aware of my own problems. I know it’s hard for me to deal with my son because I myself was being traumatized by violent experiences in the past. My son’s hurting words and violent reactions remind me exactly of how his biological father treated me. I hated to see his father in him! But it was unfair to put all the blame on my son. I knew much of me have to be fixed first so I could bear with him.
It was almost too late. I almost lost control two months ago. After an impulsive reaction to a chaotic morning, I felt like I couldn’t take care of my family anymore. I then voluntarily entered the psychiatric ward and took time to just be alone, to cry a lot, regret a lot, think a lot, talk a lot. It’s the best reflection period I’ve ever done in my life! I was able to express myself and I realized that there were a lot of factors that made me feel so terribly down. I spent those 12 days inside and outside the ward bringing up every detail that had something to do with my confused self.
I was sexually abused during my childhood years. It didn’t happen just once, not just twice, but it happened too many times. Not with just one person, but with different men! But even if it’d just happen once, it’s enough! Once, was enough to make me feel disturbed and confused. My parents only knew one single time. That was when I was four. They forgave the man, their close friend. But the people around me, especially those who saw what happened, including their families and relatives can’t just let it pass. They kept humiliating and underestimating me until high school days. They talked about me and even called me the name of that man.They whispered to each other this past issue and sometimes they laughed at my back. They’ve always been so mean. Flashbacks of their demonic smiles kept popping up in my imagination. It’s a history that I can hardly let go. Because those were the periods when I gradually lost self-confidence. From the 6th grade, I noticed that my body and hands would shake more than a normal nervous reaction. I couldn’t even hold a microphone. I could hardly stand up on a stage. I couldn’t perform well. I experienced a total mental block to a point of forgetting where I stood and totally forgetting my lines. I delivered speeches with someone holding a phone for me. I’d skip oral tests. I’d miss some planned performances. This continued until college years. I lost interests in competitions because I had no confidence to face the crowd. I took a preparatory course without aiming what to do next because of my fears of interacting with other people. All these fears were caused by those experiences. And besides, how could I have such a self-esteem when our parents have never allowed us to speak out our sides and defend ourselves? We’ve been obedient most of the time and we’ve never fought back. Even if we didn’t do wrong then we had no right to explain ourselves to them. Such a kind of discipline practised at home that I applied in the outside world.
Why do I say that I’ve had a confused personality after these abuses? Well, I had no enough understanding about men then. I entered into a relationship when I was 14. It’s a serious relationship and it held promises to have a future. I was dissatisfied looking for something I didn’t know. Perhaps a confirmation. I wanted to be confirmed that it’d just be pure love and I looked for something that’s impossible. A love without being confused of a touch. But such confusions misled me. I shifted from one relationship to another, but I always got back to the one who truly loved me. There was even a certain time I almost gave my everything to a teacher. I was 16 then. That man was willing to marry me but my mother did what she could to bring me away from that man.
So many things that happened in a short time. I just celebrated my 18th birthday and I fell into a shameful tragedy- I spent a night, drunk, with my kids’ father together with our other female high school classmates while we were waiting for my boyfriend’s arrival in the city where I spent my years in college. Such an accident that led my life to an unexpected chapter. My mother threatened to punish me if I won’t marry the guy after what happened to us. (Lately, I and my mom had a heart-to-heart talk about this before finally leaving my ex-husband. She told me she was only trying me how strong I could be in standing up for myself by saying no to marriage.) During those confrontations with my mom & Dondon (my ex-husband), I thought about starting a whole new life without a man- it should mean I’d also give up my ex-boyfriend (who then forgave me and wanted to stay with me after what happened). I thought of other women who’d willingly give their everything before marriage. I thought this way: “How come those other women give their all without anticipating marriage while I must marry a man who forced to get my virginity when I wasn’t myself?” Scared of facing punishments like not getting back to school and the threat of making me a “muchacha” (housemaid), I was weak to stand up for my own decision. On the other hand, the guy made good promises to Mamang enough to convince her that he’s indeed a well-determined person willing to change to win me till the end. What happened then? I made a suicide-like step in my life. When the wedding plans were fixed, I decided to stay with him 2 months before our wedding day.
So traumatic to leave an innocent and good man seeing how I ruined his life. What’s more traumatic was to enter marriage so unplanned, to born kids unplanned. And the most traumatic was to deal with a mentally sick person who wanted to change but rather risked my life several times. I bear with all the shame. And I called it a “karma”, as how others may describe it. I started to accept the word when I delivered my first child. I fought life with an oxygen laboring for almost a day. As I reminsce that day, I only thought of one person I’ve caused so much pains whose family and friends might have wished me ill. I hope I was wrong.
I had a few serious vehicle accidents. I had an encounter with an elk barking at me and attacking me. These have caused me to fear riding on a bus and walking alone in the streets and in the forest-sides. Sometimes I feel paranoid fearing about what or who is behind me especially when it’s dark.
All these factors affected me so much, to a point of I could no longer do my work properly. I called my boss four months ago and confessed to her that I was pretending to be okay all the time. But I could no longer bear the pain inside, the nervousness my body felt, the frequent body pains and being mentally blocked most of the time.
I willingly went to the hospital because I no longer knew what affected me most. If it was my son who made me feel bad, or if it’s the past experiences that get stuck on me for long years. I decided to fix my life and get the right support to guide me in my present and future life. I want to move on with proper guidance from the professionals so that I’d learn how to deal with my fears. I didn’t like the part when I couldn’t imagine myself what to be in the future because of my fears in expressing myself towards other people. I didn’t like the part when I stopped dreaming because I didn’t know what I want to become, or rather, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be able to answer my loved ones when they ask me what do I wanna be. I entered the ward so I can learn to leave those bad experiences behind me, so I can learn how to live with the future by facing and overcoming my fears.
Some people approached me and told me that I shouldn’t forget God and surrender only to Him. I didn’t want to discuss it with them when it comes to my faith because it’s something only between me and God to talk about. I respect them and thank them for their concern. But I won’t understimate God’s creations- they who are skilled to help other people, those who are educated to guide other people. I believe that each one of us is designed by God with purpose of helping others. It’s a basic spiritual urge to approach Him and ask for His guidance, and He has His people as instruments in answering us what we’ve prayed for.
I’m writing this blog during my healing period. I might not be so fully stable at this moment but I know what I’m doing right now is just a sign of letting go of my past without feeling disturbed of what other people might think of me.
If some of you may remember my past blog, I posted on my headline that Joyris is a permanent student in life constantly learning lessons. I believe that even if I will surpass this test today, there might still be bigger tests coming my way. I believe that I will still encounter difficulties in the future. But I will only learn from them. And I have my words for my family and friends: “I will no longer escape life like I did last year”. I will only keep going stronger each time.
Thank you for those who have been supporting me morally and spiritually all this time. May God reward you for this.
And lastly, I will be forever thankful to my partner for staying by my side the whole time. He’s my living angel.
